1. When using three wheelers check under the seat for claymore mines; these are easily identifiable by the manufacturer`s label saying `Claymore Mine - made in Pakistan`.
2. If, when shopping, the South African cricket team or any of its members enters the building leave rapidly - they are under a situational threat.
3. When asked by the sentries at checkpoints whether you are carrying bombs, do not reply in the affirmative.
4. When walking on the road in wet weather do not suddenly drop your umbrella from the vertical to avoid being splahed by all 17 vehicles of a VVIP`s convoy.
5. Under any circumstances do not pretend your umbrella is a gun.
6. If you have small children - do not send them to school until the war is over.
7. If you are an orphan do not attend two day first aid camps in Sennacholai.
8. Carry your business cards loosely on your person so that in the event of a violent explosion they will scatter far and wide giving the firm free publicity on your death.
10. Always take a file home. In the event of being caught in a crossfire, sit down in a safe place and do some work.
11. When driving and confronted by a violent situation crawl out of the car or get on the floorboards. If you own a Maruti follow normal procedure.
12. Do not fly the Eelam flag in Colombo or the Lion flag in uncleared areas. If you`re not sure if the area is cleared or not, fly both flags.
13. Do not join the SLMM.
14. Do not accept lifts from strangers with moustaches and evil grins - they could be Prabhakaran... or Mahinda.
From Lanka Newspapers