Wednesday, December 28, 2005

What if Santa Answered his Mail Honestly ?

Dear Santa I wud lik a kool toy spase ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud
boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a frigging book called a dictionary, so you can learn to read
and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE
can spell .

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
Mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his a** constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?

That whiney begging sh** may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?
Love, Marky

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
a** whipped at school.
Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment
Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

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